Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Last Four Months

The last four months have been a whirlwind of experiences, firsts, extreme emotions and a daily reminder of what I was meant to do with my life.

The last four months, I have learned to function on very little sleep, waking up at odd hours to care for a little life that requires more than a half an eyelid open.

I have learned to enjoy cold food, quick showers, air dried hair, sitting in one spot for hours whilst watching little eyes flutter and a little mouth phantom suck.

In the past four months I have watched my husband with our baby girl, I see how much he loves her, how he adores her, tends to her, doesn't complain when she needs a diaper change, or when I need a nap, or when I want a few hours out to shop or hang out with my girlfriends. Its been difficult at times, but over the past four months I have fallen more in love with him.

I have learned that I am “that” parent that has to buy everything for her little girl. If I think it will enrich her life, teach her new things, keep her quite for even a short period of time, I buy it.

The past four months have made me question my own childhood. A mothers love is unshakable. Undeniable. Unbreakable. Forever. I am certain that my mother loved me.

I've realized that when I am shopping and baby girl is at home with daddy, I am fiercely jealous of the soon to be moms, or moms with their kids in tow. When I am shopping with baby girl, I feel sorry for all the other parents, because I've been blessed with the best kid in the world.

In the last four months I have noticed that I miss my family more than I ever have in my life.

I have found that I am quick to get frustrated with my husband, but baby girl can instantly calm me.

I have found that the weight I put on during the past nine months is a lot harder to lose than I thought it would be. I need to remember, I cooked up a human life, and it will take time to get back to where I was.

During the past four months, I live for the evenings when its bedtime for baby girl. Its just me and her in a dimmed room, eyes locked, secrets told, heart beats synced we are one once again, even if just for a few minutes.

In the past four months I have cried more than I have in the past four years.

I have come to realize that nothing is as important as my family is. My husband and baby girl, are my world. Life is nothing without them.

Sunday, March 3, 2013


Its been sometime since I've blogged, but to be fair I have been a bit busy. This new life is starting to find its pace in our household and while I still haven't returned to work, some normalcy is starting to creep in.

I have been so overwhelmed the past few months its been crazy. Overwhelmed in the good sense, not the “ I don't have any idea what I am doing” sense. Its strange how being a mother has come so natural and easy to me. Especially since I didn't have a mom until I was 15 years old. I don't have the young memories of me and my mom playing, baking, shopping, strolling thru the park. I grew up not ever knowing what I missed. As I look at my little girl, I am reminded that not only did I miss out, but my mom also missed out, and unfortunately its too late – shes gone now.

There were moments during my pregnancy that I got really angry that she was gone, and that I didn't get to ask certain questions. Questions like: did you have morning sickness, how far along were you when you first felt me move, what was your delivery like, did you have strange cravings? These questions will always remain unanswered. Now I'm just sad that she doesn’t get to know my daughter, because she's pretty great.

Its is a relief to know that baby girl won't know any difference, because the woman I now call mom, Nicole will call G-Momma, and that makes me happy.

Baby girl has brought out some emotions/feelings that I never knew existed inside of me, some good, some bad. The good being that this little bundle has my made my heart grow 10 times the size it was before, I never get bored just watching her sleep, play, learn and cry. I absolutely LOVE changing poopie diapers, because whats the alternative? No poopie diapers, means no baby girl. I live for those nasty little packages! Some feelings that are a little less desired, is the intense fear I feel all day long. The fear of something happening to my little family that will change it forever. I don't want my daughter to feel lost, empty, angry, or sad. But I also don't want to live in fear and I need to learn to let go of it. I still don't believe she is still mine, and at times I wait for the dream to be over and to wake up and be back in my real life. The bad feelings are really bad. The good news, is that they are just feelings and will fade in time. She IS real, and she is ALL mine!

Today marks Nicole's 100 day birthday. Its sunny here in Seattle, so I am going to go for a walk around Greenlake and relish in the simple joy of being with my husband and my sweet daughter.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

First comes Love, then comes Marriage, then COMES…..

Norman and I are going to have a BABY!!!! 
I can’t even begin to express how excited we were when we found out. We had just returned from Scotland and for some reason, I just knew it. I didn’t have any symptoms as of yet, but I could just feel it. I took 3 home pregnancy tests to verify, all if which came back positive. We stood in the bathroom holding each other crying.
Of course Norman didn’t want to get too excited until the doctor confirmed it, which happened a week later. Then Mr. “it’s not official until the doctor says so” went straight to the store and started buying unisex baby clothes.  
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. Not having kids was never an option, but I wanted to do it with a partner.  About 6 years I got the word “Blessed tattooed on my left wrist. People think it’s just a word, or a feeling but it’s a song from one of my favorite artists, Elton John.
Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky

Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

I would sing this song when I was a teenager, dreaming of the day I would become a mom, and I’m so excited that day has finally come.
So, friends and family here is to my journey, which has hit a few bumps so far, but I am looking forward to the upcoming months of changes and the arrival of our little bundle of joy.  Today we are at 10 weeks along and our predicted due date is November 25, 2012.
I have started to keep a simple log of Q&A which I will share from week to week or at milestones that will give a insight to how things are going.  I would like to remind everyone that I am not someone who likes to fluff things up, or make something sound like something it’s not. These are my true feelings, and while at sometimes may be harsh, it’s how I’m feeling at the time.
I am reminded of a friend of my parents who had a baby, whom never smiled, screamed all the time and just was not a pleasant baby for the first few months. They nicknamed her a “little ball of hate”.  She has since become the cutest, sweetest/kindest little girl you’ll ever meet.
I could never  imagine I loving someone so much as already love this baby, but … I think I have a “little ball of hate” growing inside of me.

April 2, 2012
How far along? 6 weeks
Total weight gain: I’m down 2 pounds from when I first found I was pregnant – Strange. Who knew getting pregnant was the latest diet fad?
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Stretch marks? Not any new ones ;)
Sleep: I’ve been sleeping like a baby – no pun intended. I go to bed around 9:30 and am up around 7:30 – 8. Occasionally I have to get up during the night to go potty.
Best moment this week: Getting my first ultrasound and finding out I am 6 weeks pregnant. Only 34 weeks to go!
Miss Anything? For some strange reason, I started missing beer. I haven’t drank a beer in over 2 years, but I saw a Budweiser commercial the other night, and started craving it!
Movement: Nothing yet.
Food cravings: I bought a mango at the grocery store yesterday – I’ve never really liked fruit before – hopefully I will continue to crave fruit.
Anything making you queasy or sick: We drove by KFC the other day and I immediately started gagging. The smell of fried chicken stayed with me for at least an hour afterwards.
Gender:  Not yet
Labor Signs:  No signs yet
Symptoms: From time to time a get a slight headache, queasiness, and sore boobs, slight stretching/bloated pains in my stomach.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
Wedding rings on or off?  On.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy. There have been some mood swings, but nothing to severe to make my husband look at me like he doesn’t know who I am …..yet!
Looking forward to: Telling the whole world that I am going to be a Mommy, and of course the journey to getting there.
April 9, 2012
How far along? 7 weeks
Total weight gain: Strange how one week you’re down, then next you’re up. Gained 2 lbs
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Stretch marks? Not any new ones ;)
Sleep: I can’t get enough of it. I could sleep 20 hours a day if left alone. I am sluggish, can’t imagine doing the simplest tasks as even showering. This little bundle of joy is sucking the life out of me. I just keep telling myself, “this too will pass”
Best moment this week: Finding out 2 other friends of mine are also with child! I can’t wait to walk this journey with them.
Miss Anything? Missing beer went away as fast as it came. I miss my energy. It was SO sunny this weekend, and it was everything I could do to drag myself to sit in the sun for an hour. Then went back to the couch and watched my husband run after me. Man I love him!
Movement: Nothing yet.
Food cravings: Popsicles. If I didn’t get a popsicle in my hand, I was going to cause some serious damage. Today, I have been craving yoghurt, which is strange because I don’t like the stuff.
Anything making you queasy or sick: POPCORN! I was at work when a co-worker made some for us, and I went running for the bathroom. I didn’t make it! Enough said!
Gender:  Not yet
Labor Signs:  No signs yet
Symptoms: major bloating, dizziness when I stand up too fast, morning sickness that happens throughout the day and other bathroom nastiness.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
Wedding rings on or off?  On.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy for the most part but, I did get a little depressed this weekend. It was very warm and sunny out, and I wanted to do some gardening, and playing in the sun. But I was so exhausted that I would have rather died than get up and walk around. 
Looking forward to: Getting my get up and go back. I hear from other mom’s that the fatigue lasts only the first trimester so I’m hopeful I will get some energy soon. Also, we have our second doctor’s appt. this week. 
April 21, 2012
How far along? 9 weeks
Total weight gain: I’m down 6 pounds from when I first found I was pregnant – Severe morning sickness has not been good to me.
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Stretch marks? Not any new ones ;)
Sleep:  Sleep has been interrupted a lot by stomach pains, waking up to strong smells, (dog farts) lots of tossing and turning and frequent trips to the bathroom.
Best moment this week: Finally feeling a little better from the morning sickness.
Miss Anything? Food. I haven’t been able to eat anything for 2 weeks. L
Movement: Nothing yet.
Food cravings: Nothing! I haven’t eaten in a really long time.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything! I was diagnosed with Hypermesis which is a severe condition of morning sickness. The only way I don’t get sick, is if I don’t eat or drink anything which of course isn’t good for me.
Gender:  Not yet
Labor Signs:  No signs yet
Symptoms: Just morning sickness so far. Hopefully it will end soon.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
Wedding rings on or off?  On.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  I had to spend the night in the hospital this week, as I was severely dehydrated and have lost a lot of weight. The past 2 weeks have been really hard and I’ve had a lot of depression, because I have been sick so much. I just want to feel better.
Looking forward to: Not wanting to die, and to start to enjoy this pregnancy.

April 29, 2012
How far along? 10 weeks
Total weight gain:  I still haven’t gained any additional weight, I’m down 4 pounds from when I first found I was pregnant  but up 3lbs from last week so it’s getting better .
Maternity clothes? I bought a Bella Band – now I can lie around with my pants un-buttoned!
Stretch marks? Not any new ones ;)
Sleep:  Sleep has been sporadic. I’m hoping the stomach growing pains go away. There are also a couple insane birds outside my bedroom window who like to chirp ALL NIGHT LONG! I’ve seriously thought about buying a beebee gun.
Best moment this week: Drinking a coffee, oh how I missed it.
Miss Anything? I’m still missing food in general.
Movement: Nothing yet.
Food cravings: MUFFINS! For a week or so, all I wanted to eat were muffins. All kinds.
Anything making you queasy or sick: If I can smell it, I will get sick!. I have found that I can eat anything as long as its smell-less… so you can imagine that leaves a whole lot of nothing! Gender:  Not yet
Labor Signs:  No signs yet.
Symptoms: Lots of cramping. Doctor says it’s normal.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
Wedding rings on or off?  On.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty Moody. L Too bad for my husband. I haven’t been able to enjoy much of this pregnancy yet.
Looking forward to: Going somewhere and not having to scope out the closest bathroom. That and getting thru grocery shopping without have to hover over a stinky bum bathroom stall. There is nothing worse than getting sick in a public bathroom.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

In Dog I Trust!

About eight years ago I called on an ad for a Rottweiler puppy.  Without meeting her or even seeing a photo I spent a lot of money on a spur of the moment birthday present for myself. There are things in life if you could do over knowing what you know now, you’d do different.  If I knew then, what I know now, I would pay thousands if not millions for that little puppy again and again.
Nikoya has not only become the best friend anyone could ask for, she is loyal, funny, entertaining, and is one of the smartest dogs I have EVER encountered. I constantly get praised for training her, but in all honesty – It’s all her. I’m no dog trainer, whisperer, expert – I’m just her dog mom.  She makes me look good.
Yesterday we got news that she has diabetes and while this instantly brought tears to my eyes thinking about not having her in my life anymore, I’ve come to see that dogs/cats can live with diabetes just as humans do for the rest of their lives. With the right food combinations, exercise and medication she shouldn’t have to worry about it. I on the other hand will and am very thankful that for now, nothing else is wrong that can’t be treated.  
Yesterday I stopped feeding her store bought treats and made her some good for her health nummy nummies! Depending on the next few weeks, I may even start making her dinner every night. Because to me she’s worth every extra cent I may have to spend on her.

This dog is my heart and she melts it every times she looks at with her curious non judgmental eyes.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Just Do It!

A few weeks ago I had a wild idea that I wanted to try cross country skiing so I asked around to see what I could expect and was bombarded with a ton of negative responses.
“it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done”
“I couldn’t walk for days afterwards”
“Sounds like a miserable activity and I hate being cold”
“Thanks, but NO thanks!”
I could go on and on, on the responses I got, but fortunately I am the kind of gal who needs to figure things out for herself. So, I went home and asked my husband – (it’s still weird to say husband) how he felt about trying it out.
Side note: The past 3 months of being married, has had its challenges. As we are still learning how to live with each other, figure out who we are together as well as individually, and while we struggle at some things more than others, I am very blessed to know I have found someone who is adventurous as I am and to be open to trying something new without giving much thought to it.
So, I researched some ski rental places and found a place that had 3 day rentals for 16 bucks each. How could we not try it for 16 bucks? 16 BUCKS! Come on now people… anything is worth trying for 16 bucks!
 And so we did. Norman and I drove to Snoqualmie Pass – where I have spent a lot of time at my friend Erin’s cabin over the years.  We started out at the road and skied to the cabin. We were a little shaky at first, but as time went on we got better.  And I must say, Cross Country Skiing is a BLAST! Now I know I haven’t tried downhill skiing or snowboarding, but as a snow coinsure I must say this was a lot of fun.
I encourage all ya’ll to get up and try it, and if it’s not XC Skiing, and it’s something else your interested in GO do it! Don’t listen to the naysayers, it just may not of been for them. And who knows, it may not be for you either, but how will you know if you don’t TRY IT yourself!
That’s my two cents!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Finding the space between ms and mrs.

I am a ms turned mrs, dedicated to the process of reconciling her ms-ness with her mrs-dome thereby ensuring each week she does some: good eating, great lovin, new livin, a bit of travelin, some spirit building, and a healthy dose of whatever makes me happy…

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

No More Goodbyes!

Its official! I never have to say goodbye to Norman again. We are MARRIED! It’s a strange feeling, not the married part, but the I don’t even have to say goodbye to him again part. Our relationship has been full of hellos and goodbyes.

I think in 4 months time, I might need a mini alone vacation. But for now, married life has been good to us, and I’m excited to see what the future brings for both of us.

Stay tuned... I will be blogging more often.