Space.

Before I left the US, everyone asked me what I was going to miss. As I thought about this, my thoughts, were:  obviously my friends and pets, but perhaps my language, my car, my sense of knowing where I was, and where I needed to go, and HOW to get there, ingredients that make up my favorite food, American food period. But after being in Switzerland for a month now, I have come to realize that yes I miss everything I listed, but what I really miss right now is space. Space to spread out my clothes, space in the bathroom, space to make a mess in the kitchen, space in the office, space to have a personal phone call, space to be by myself, space to think, space to breathe. I haven’t had the opportunity to sit and be alone, and ponder what the hell I am doing. It’s nice having people around, but it’s also nice to be able to escape and retreat when you need to re-charge, relax, think about what you really want, and what you have done. It’s been hard to sit and think about my thoughts, and then get them onto paper. This has never been a problem for me, as I love to write and get my thoughts out.

What is wrong with me? I need some space. Back home, this was never a problem. Yes, I lived with 2 roommates, of whom I miss every day, but they gave me space. My house was large, and beautiful, and very spacious. I had a kitchen that was large enough for 20 people,  I had a closet so large, I couldn’t dream of filling it. I worked in an office full of people, but I had my own space within that office. And, even with all this space, when it just wasn’t enough, I had a friends cabin that I could retreat to, anytime I wanted. These are the times, my thoughts and feelings flowed freely. I was in a place where I could sit, think, relax, hike, eat, laugh, write, and above all else, breathe!  I miss walking around the mountain valley, feeling very small, pondering life. Searching for fossil rocks, blazing trails thru the forest, and early morning walks before the sun rises, the dew is still on every leaf, and the world is quite. I miss this, terribly.

I’ve never been a person who depends on others, quite the contrary, I’ve grown up thinking I couldn’t count on anyone. I know that is not true, but still a battle I deal with from time to time. The past month, I have relied too much on my “friend” who has been with me. I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time I NEED to be alone. So, what happens? It’s simple, I need to be alone, which is easier said than done. Before I came here, I had ideas of what I was going to do, and where I was headed, and when I think back on that, I was alone. I need to be alone, for now. This is my life, and I have to be selfish and think about myself until I get to a point where I feel comfortable with myself.