Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Last Four Months

The last four months have been a whirlwind of experiences, firsts, extreme emotions and a daily reminder of what I was meant to do with my life.

The last four months, I have learned to function on very little sleep, waking up at odd hours to care for a little life that requires more than a half an eyelid open.

I have learned to enjoy cold food, quick showers, air dried hair, sitting in one spot for hours whilst watching little eyes flutter and a little mouth phantom suck.

In the past four months I have watched my husband with our baby girl, I see how much he loves her, how he adores her, tends to her, doesn't complain when she needs a diaper change, or when I need a nap, or when I want a few hours out to shop or hang out with my girlfriends. Its been difficult at times, but over the past four months I have fallen more in love with him.

I have learned that I am “that” parent that has to buy everything for her little girl. If I think it will enrich her life, teach her new things, keep her quite for even a short period of time, I buy it.

The past four months have made me question my own childhood. A mothers love is unshakable. Undeniable. Unbreakable. Forever. I am certain that my mother loved me.

I've realized that when I am shopping and baby girl is at home with daddy, I am fiercely jealous of the soon to be moms, or moms with their kids in tow. When I am shopping with baby girl, I feel sorry for all the other parents, because I've been blessed with the best kid in the world.

In the last four months I have noticed that I miss my family more than I ever have in my life.

I have found that I am quick to get frustrated with my husband, but baby girl can instantly calm me.

I have found that the weight I put on during the past nine months is a lot harder to lose than I thought it would be. I need to remember, I cooked up a human life, and it will take time to get back to where I was.

During the past four months, I live for the evenings when its bedtime for baby girl. Its just me and her in a dimmed room, eyes locked, secrets told, heart beats synced we are one once again, even if just for a few minutes.

In the past four months I have cried more than I have in the past four years.

I have come to realize that nothing is as important as my family is. My husband and baby girl, are my world. Life is nothing without them.

Sunday, March 3, 2013


Its been sometime since I've blogged, but to be fair I have been a bit busy. This new life is starting to find its pace in our household and while I still haven't returned to work, some normalcy is starting to creep in.

I have been so overwhelmed the past few months its been crazy. Overwhelmed in the good sense, not the “ I don't have any idea what I am doing” sense. Its strange how being a mother has come so natural and easy to me. Especially since I didn't have a mom until I was 15 years old. I don't have the young memories of me and my mom playing, baking, shopping, strolling thru the park. I grew up not ever knowing what I missed. As I look at my little girl, I am reminded that not only did I miss out, but my mom also missed out, and unfortunately its too late – shes gone now.

There were moments during my pregnancy that I got really angry that she was gone, and that I didn't get to ask certain questions. Questions like: did you have morning sickness, how far along were you when you first felt me move, what was your delivery like, did you have strange cravings? These questions will always remain unanswered. Now I'm just sad that she doesn’t get to know my daughter, because she's pretty great.

Its is a relief to know that baby girl won't know any difference, because the woman I now call mom, Nicole will call G-Momma, and that makes me happy.

Baby girl has brought out some emotions/feelings that I never knew existed inside of me, some good, some bad. The good being that this little bundle has my made my heart grow 10 times the size it was before, I never get bored just watching her sleep, play, learn and cry. I absolutely LOVE changing poopie diapers, because whats the alternative? No poopie diapers, means no baby girl. I live for those nasty little packages! Some feelings that are a little less desired, is the intense fear I feel all day long. The fear of something happening to my little family that will change it forever. I don't want my daughter to feel lost, empty, angry, or sad. But I also don't want to live in fear and I need to learn to let go of it. I still don't believe she is still mine, and at times I wait for the dream to be over and to wake up and be back in my real life. The bad feelings are really bad. The good news, is that they are just feelings and will fade in time. She IS real, and she is ALL mine!

Today marks Nicole's 100 day birthday. Its sunny here in Seattle, so I am going to go for a walk around Greenlake and relish in the simple joy of being with my husband and my sweet daughter.