I have been so overwhelmed the past few months its been crazy. Overwhelmed in the good sense, not the “ I don't have any idea what I am doing” sense. Its strange how being a mother has come so natural and easy to me. Especially since I didn't have a mom until I was 15 years old. I don't have the young memories of me and my mom playing, baking, shopping, strolling thru the park. I grew up not ever knowing what I missed. As I look at my little girl, I am reminded that not only did I miss out, but my mom also missed out, and unfortunately its too late – shes gone now.
There were moments during my pregnancy that I got really angry that she was gone, and that I didn't get to ask certain questions. Questions like: did you have morning sickness, how far along were you when you first felt me move, what was your delivery like, did you have strange cravings? These questions will always remain unanswered. Now I'm just sad that she doesn’t get to know my daughter, because she's pretty great.
Its is a relief to know that baby girl won't know any difference, because the woman I now call mom, Nicole will call G-Momma, and that makes me happy.
Baby girl has brought out some emotions/feelings that I never knew existed inside of me, some good, some bad. The good being that this little bundle has my made my heart grow 10 times the size it was before, I never get bored just watching her sleep, play, learn and cry. I absolutely LOVE changing poopie diapers, because whats the alternative? No poopie diapers, means no baby girl. I live for those nasty little packages! Some feelings that are a little less desired, is the intense fear I feel all day long. The fear of something happening to my little family that will change it forever. I don't want my daughter to feel lost, empty, angry, or sad. But I also don't want to live in fear and I need to learn to let go of it. I still don't believe she is still mine, and at times I wait for the dream to be over and to wake up and be back in my real life. The bad feelings are really bad. The good news, is that they are just feelings and will fade in time. She IS real, and she is ALL mine!
Today marks Nicole's 100 day birthday. Its sunny here in Seattle, so I am going to go for a walk around Greenlake and relish in the simple joy of being with my husband and my sweet daughter.