Thursday, October 21, 2010

Who Say's You Can't go Home?

Wow, how things can change in a matter of days. Well, as most know by now, I have resigned from the position I accepted in Bonn Germany. Without going into details, as they are not important at this point, I will say that I am not willing to lie down and be a doormat. I am deeply hurt by this, as I was looking forward to living and working in Europe.  But at the end of the day, you have to be happy right?  You have to do what is right, no matter what anyone else thinks.  I know there are several people who think I am foolish, a complete idiot, and perhaps don’t agree with my choices. My comment to them is to let me live my life, and you live yours. I don’t always make the choices others would have made, and sometimes that leads me the long way around, and sometimes I get lucky and find a short cut. But at the end of the day, it’s my life, and I stand by my decisions.

My adventure surely doesn’t end in Europe. It’s just beginning, just down a different path. I have had a wonderful 52 days of living, working, and touring around Europe. I have had the pleasure of visiting the Following countries: Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, France, England and Scotland. I’ve been able to bring back so many memories from each of these places, and truly loved each country for different reasons.

I discovered a lot about myself in each of those places, the good the bad, even the really ugly parts of myself. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I have been really angry and confused, but I’ve learned how to adapt, let go and move on. Its funny how being angry is easier than letting it go. I’ve always felt that if I let something go, I was giving in, and as stubborn as I am, I couldn’t ever give in. I think it’s a family trait I have inherited as us Koop’s are quite stubborn people. 

I’ve also met a friend along the way. Someone who accepts me just the way I am, stubborn, moody, bossy, and at times a serious bitch. Sometimes I don’t understand why he sticks around, but he does, and I am very grateful for him. He has definitely taught me, or more so made me learn about patience and slowing down a bit. I was able to meet his family on my trip, and think they are a wonderful bunch of people. I was nervous, and a bit apprehensive, but it was long overdue. Meeting someone’s family, gives you a better insight to someone I think. I can honestly say, the little things that I didn’t understand before, are a little clearer now, and that is very good.

I am in Seattle now, back to work and trying to wrap my head around living in Seattle again. I am on the hunt looking for a place to live, a car, and a new way of life. I told myself, if I came back to Seattle, things would be different, as I am different. I know 52 days isn’t very long, but I’ve changed since I left, and even though, I am back to my old job, and city, I don’t have to go backwards in my life. I have already made some changes, and will continue doing so.

So even though, my living abroad came to an abrupt end, my adventure doesn’t end there. Stay tuned, as I will continue to write, it just may be about different things.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Before I left the US, everyone asked me what I was going to miss. As I thought about this, my thoughts, were:  obviously my friends and pets, but perhaps my language, my car, my sense of knowing where I was, and where I needed to go, and HOW to get there, ingredients that make up my favorite food, American food period. But after being in Switzerland for a month now, I have come to realize that yes I miss everything I listed, but what I really miss right now is space. Space to spread out my clothes, space in the bathroom, space to make a mess in the kitchen, space in the office, space to have a personal phone call, space to be by myself, space to think, space to breathe. I haven’t had the opportunity to sit and be alone, and ponder what the hell I am doing. It’s nice having people around, but it’s also nice to be able to escape and retreat when you need to re-charge, relax, think about what you really want, and what you have done. It’s been hard to sit and think about my thoughts, and then get them onto paper. This has never been a problem for me, as I love to write and get my thoughts out.

What is wrong with me? I need some space. Back home, this was never a problem. Yes, I lived with 2 roommates, of whom I miss every day, but they gave me space. My house was large, and beautiful, and very spacious. I had a kitchen that was large enough for 20 people,  I had a closet so large, I couldn’t dream of filling it. I worked in an office full of people, but I had my own space within that office. And, even with all this space, when it just wasn’t enough, I had a friends cabin that I could retreat to, anytime I wanted. These are the times, my thoughts and feelings flowed freely. I was in a place where I could sit, think, relax, hike, eat, laugh, write, and above all else, breathe!  I miss walking around the mountain valley, feeling very small, pondering life. Searching for fossil rocks, blazing trails thru the forest, and early morning walks before the sun rises, the dew is still on every leaf, and the world is quite. I miss this, terribly.

I’ve never been a person who depends on others, quite the contrary, I’ve grown up thinking I couldn’t count on anyone. I know that is not true, but still a battle I deal with from time to time. The past month, I have relied too much on my “friend” who has been with me. I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time I NEED to be alone. So, what happens? It’s simple, I need to be alone, which is easier said than done. Before I came here, I had ideas of what I was going to do, and where I was headed, and when I think back on that, I was alone. I need to be alone, for now. This is my life, and I have to be selfish and think about myself until I get to a point where I feel comfortable with myself.